Be Prepared: The Motto of the Boy Scouts of America
Maybe if I had been a Boy Scout* instead of playing organized sports this never would have happened.
Earlier today, I decide to go to AutoZone to pick up a new bulb for my tail light. I figure that there’s not gonna be anyone worthwhile there, so why get all presentable for a bunch of grease monkeys, right ? So I roll up there, dingy(but clean) white tee, And 1 shorts and slippers, unshaven…the “I’m sitting around the house all fuckin week” look. As I’m walking toward the door, coming from the other direction at the very same pace as me, is this lovely Baldwin Hills from over there by Buckingham & Rodeo, maybe even La Cienega dimepiece.
[Inner Thoughts]The fuck is she doing here ? You can’t back out now, she already saw you. Fuck it, just open the door for her and don’t say anything stupid. Smile, nigga ![/Inner Thoughts]
“Hey,how you doin ? Let me get that door for you”. She smiles and gives me a “Thank you”. Under normal circumstances, this is the point where I give her the business, “What’s your name ?”, “Wanna go 1/2 on a baby ?”, you know, shit like that.
[Inner Thoughts]She’s looking over here. She wants you nigga ! Wait a minute, she might be looking at the big ass hole in the side of your shirt…or the fact that you just got out of the shower and you’re so ashy that it looks like you’ve been playing soccer with a bag of flour. Shit.[/Inner Thoughts]
“Ummm, can I get a tail light please ?”. So, I get my light, give her a smile and roll out. Confident Miguel falls victim to Self-conscious Miguel by TKO in the 4th round.
“So if you stay ready, what the fuck you gonna have to get ready for ?” – Suga Free
Later in the evening, I got a bad case of the bubblies while I was at work. Now I’m not a public shitter by any means, but this was a bad situation. After finding the perfect spot to drop a load, I figured that I needed a handicapped accessible stall. Why ? Because they’re more spacious and roomy. If I gotta take a dump in public, I’m gonna be comfortable. Well, in my quest for leg room I neglected to see if the stall had any paper until after the flow had started. Ain’t this a bitch ? No paper. Now what am I gonna do ? To quote a song from my youth:
“Stranded, stranded on the toilet bowl, what do you do when you’re stranded, no paper on the roll ? To prove you’re a man you must wipe with your hand, then everyone will know you were stranded.” – Bobby Jimmy aka Russ Parr “Gotta Potty”
Fuck that, I guess I’m not a man cause I’m not gonna wipe my ass with my hand. Whenever I find myself in a pickle such as this, I think to myself “What would MacGyver do ?”. So I look around and boom, the only thing in sight, toilet seat covers. Yep. I had to wipe my ass with toilet seat covers. So, in closing, if there is anything that you’ve learned, remember to always be prepared.
*Kids lacking the hand eye coordination to play sports, or just plain ol’ unathletic types…better than being a male cheerleader, I guess.