Be Prepared: The Motto of the Boy Scouts of America

Maybe if I had been a Boy Scout* instead of playing organized sports this never would have happened.

Earlier today, I decide to go to AutoZone to pick up a new bulb for my tail light. I figure that there’s not gonna be anyone worthwhile there, so why get all presentable for a bunch of grease monkeys, right ? So I roll up there, dingy(but clean) white tee, And 1 shorts and slippers, unshaven…the “I’m sitting around the house all fuckin week” look. As I’m walking toward the door, coming from the other direction at the very same pace as me, is this lovely Baldwin Hills from over there by Buckingham & Rodeo, maybe even La Cienega dimepiece.

[Inner Thoughts]The fuck is she doing here ? You can’t back out now, she already saw you. Fuck it, just open the door for her and don’t say anything stupid. Smile, nigga ![/Inner Thoughts]

“Hey,how you doin ? Let me get that door for you”. She smiles and gives me a “Thank you”. Under normal circumstances, this is the point where I give her the business, “What’s your name ?”, “Wanna go 1/2 on a baby ?”, you know, shit like that.

[Inner Thoughts]She’s looking over here. She wants you nigga ! Wait a minute, she might be looking at the big ass hole in the side of your shirt…or the fact that you just got out of the shower and you’re so ashy that it looks like you’ve been playing soccer with a bag of flour. Shit.[/Inner Thoughts]

“Ummm, can I get a tail light please ?”. So, I get my light, give her a smile and roll out. Confident Miguel falls victim to Self-conscious Miguel by TKO in the 4th round.

“So if you stay ready, what the fuck you gonna have to get ready for ?” – Suga Free

Later in the evening, I got a bad case of the bubblies while I was at work. Now I’m not a public shitter by any means, but this was a bad situation. After finding the perfect spot to drop a load, I figured that I needed a handicapped accessible stall. Why ? Because they’re more spacious and roomy. If I gotta take a dump in public, I’m gonna be comfortable. Well, in my quest for leg room I neglected to see if the stall had any paper until after the flow had started. Ain’t this a bitch ? No paper. Now what am I gonna do ? To quote a song from my youth:

“Stranded, stranded on the toilet bowl, what do you do when you’re stranded, no paper on the roll ? To prove you’re a man you must wipe with your hand, then everyone will know you were stranded.” – Bobby Jimmy aka Russ Parr “Gotta Potty”

Fuck that, I guess I’m not a man cause I’m not gonna wipe my ass with my hand. Whenever I find myself in a pickle such as this, I think to myself “What would MacGyver do ?”. So I look around and boom, the only thing in sight, toilet seat covers. Yep. I had to wipe my ass with toilet seat covers. So, in closing, if there is anything that you’ve learned, remember to always be prepared.

*Kids lacking the hand eye coordination to play sports, or just plain ol’ unathletic types…better than being a male cheerleader, I guess.

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8 responses

  1. SHONQUAYSHAH

    miguelito- u is crazy and deranged. if you are going to be traveling anytime soon let me know i have 2 major hotel discount hookups…by the way…do you know anyone with an airline hookup…i am trying to get to chicago around the thanksgiving time frame and i wouldn’t mind exchanging a discount on hotel rooms for a buddy pass or discount! just putting that out there to you and your readers

    August 30, 2006 at 7:35 am

  2. Pope-rah

    Comments like this keep me coming back, Miguel….”Wanna go 1/2 on a baby ?” You crack my shit up!

    August 30, 2006 at 7:49 am

  3. xp

    lol is all I can say *packing some wipes in my purse* lol… I should have been a girl scout huh? lol

    August 30, 2006 at 9:34 am

  4. T.C.

    *packing the wipes in the purse* but I think its easier for us ladies though…but hey at least you got out of there without having to become a “man” priceless

    August 30, 2006 at 1:42 pm

  5. Peabo DeBarge

    shonquayshah – thanks for the offer, but i work in a hotel, so i’m already plugged in. but do you have the hookup on raider tickets ? ;-p

    pope rah – “haaaaaaaalf on a baaaaaaaaby…”

    xp – i don’t think carrying a purse would be a good look for the kid 😉

    t.c. – “what would macgyver do ?” has saved me from several ig’nant situations.

    August 31, 2006 at 11:15 am

  6. SHONQUAYSHAH

    unfortunately? i have not kept up with too many of my “friends” from growing up in the l.a. area but i do know some people who know some people in the entertainment industry…if i can work it i will and get back with you through the blog. again…if you know anyone with the airline hookup…maybe we could swap some game tix for flight tix…????

    September 1, 2006 at 7:47 pm

  7. Peabo DeBarge

    done deal

    September 1, 2006 at 10:39 pm

  8. ~Allie.

    I have had to do the toilet seat cover thing twice. Luckily it was just on a bathroom visit when I had to tinkle. You just have to keep crumpling the paper and rubbing it together to keep make it soft b/f you use it.

    Miguel your stories are so funny. I love the way you write out your thought process.

    September 6, 2006 at 10:24 am

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