Archive for August, 2006

I need a new tag line…

With the new template coming, I need suggestions for a new line. It’s gotta be at least on the level of:

“I’m the new phenomenon like white women wit’ ass…”

With that said, fire away…

I can’t stand this ho

That is all.

Be Prepared: The Motto of the Boy Scouts of America

Maybe if I had been a Boy Scout* instead of playing organized sports this never would have happened.

Earlier today, I decide to go to AutoZone to pick up a new bulb for my tail light. I figure that there’s not gonna be anyone worthwhile there, so why get all presentable for a bunch of grease monkeys, right ? So I roll up there, dingy(but clean) white tee, And 1 shorts and slippers, unshaven…the “I’m sitting around the house all fuckin week” look. As I’m walking toward the door, coming from the other direction at the very same pace as me, is this lovely Baldwin Hills from over there by Buckingham & Rodeo, maybe even La Cienega dimepiece.

[Inner Thoughts]The fuck is she doing here ? You can’t back out now, she already saw you. Fuck it, just open the door for her and don’t say anything stupid. Smile, nigga ![/Inner Thoughts]

“Hey,how you doin ? Let me get that door for you”. She smiles and gives me a “Thank you”. Under normal circumstances, this is the point where I give her the business, “What’s your name ?”, “Wanna go 1/2 on a baby ?”, you know, shit like that.

[Inner Thoughts]She’s looking over here. She wants you nigga ! Wait a minute, she might be looking at the big ass hole in the side of your shirt…or the fact that you just got out of the shower and you’re so ashy that it looks like you’ve been playing soccer with a bag of flour. Shit.[/Inner Thoughts]

“Ummm, can I get a tail light please ?”. So, I get my light, give her a smile and roll out. Confident Miguel falls victim to Self-conscious Miguel by TKO in the 4th round.

“So if you stay ready, what the fuck you gonna have to get ready for ?” – Suga Free

Later in the evening, I got a bad case of the bubblies while I was at work. Now I’m not a public shitter by any means, but this was a bad situation. After finding the perfect spot to drop a load, I figured that I needed a handicapped accessible stall. Why ? Because they’re more spacious and roomy. If I gotta take a dump in public, I’m gonna be comfortable. Well, in my quest for leg room I neglected to see if the stall had any paper until after the flow had started. Ain’t this a bitch ? No paper. Now what am I gonna do ? To quote a song from my youth:

“Stranded, stranded on the toilet bowl, what do you do when you’re stranded, no paper on the roll ? To prove you’re a man you must wipe with your hand, then everyone will know you were stranded.” – Bobby Jimmy aka Russ Parr “Gotta Potty”

Fuck that, I guess I’m not a man cause I’m not gonna wipe my ass with my hand. Whenever I find myself in a pickle such as this, I think to myself “What would MacGyver do ?”. So I look around and boom, the only thing in sight, toilet seat covers. Yep. I had to wipe my ass with toilet seat covers. So, in closing, if there is anything that you’ve learned, remember to always be prepared.

*Kids lacking the hand eye coordination to play sports, or just plain ol’ unathletic types…better than being a male cheerleader, I guess.

A day in the life, v2.0

I’m not working today, so, I’m gonna continually update this post throughout the day.

This world we live in ain’t right, and everyday I’m reminded of this. So, I’m playing my freshly copped Madden 07 this morning, giving it a test run. It’s everything I expect from EA Sports. Business as u-su-al, until I score a touchdown…why did this nigga drop the ball and start c-walkin in the end zone ? First Lil’ Bow Wow, now video game characters. Shit.

Apparently, Pluto is no longer a planet. How does that work ? It’s been a planet my whole life, now it’s not. How does a planet get laid off ? Is it that hard out here, a planet can’t keep a job ?

“Temptations, sing !”

After watching Beyonce’s first 2 videos from her new album, I really need to talk to Shawn. I need to know exactly what it is he’s done to this girl, because I want a chick to hang from my belt loop and fight the cops. At this point, I can say that she’s just the right amount of crazy. The kind that’ll stab a bitch if she has to. As long as she doesn’t get to the Lorena Bobbitt level, it’s all good.

Sometimes you see stuff and just shake your head. This is one of those times. Spotted @ Pope-Rah Says

“Terminator X !”

If you haven’t placed yourself on my “buy a nigga a drink” world tour map, click here to add yourself. When I hit your hood, drinks are on you.

Off to Red Buddha socialize for a bit.

Just got home. Caught the end of “Pimp My Ride”…they put a 30 ft. inflatable movie screen in this dude’s trunk. Xzibit said the same thing I was thinking, “That is ridiculously unnecessary”. I agree. On that note, I’m taking my ass to bed.

I can’t wait to see this shit

This is gonna be the best shit on TV hands down, and I can damn near guarantee somebody will:

A. Say something they shouldn’t.

B. Get that ass mollywopped*

I know most people think it’s a bad idea, but personally, I think it’s fuckin brilliant. Why ? Because people try to be too politically correct these days, and aren’t true to themselves…knowing they don’t really believe the “happy happy, joy joy” rhetoric that they spew. You know about 3 weeks into it, after a hard fought challenge, something is gonna pop off. Somebody is gonna be called a “nigger”, “chink”, “wetback”, or “cracker ass honkey” and hilarity will ensue. You heard it here first.

A Racy Twist for “Survivor”
By Gina Serpe Wed Aug 23, 7:21 PM ET

Some may call it exploiting racial tensions. CBS calls it darn good television.

Jeff Probst popped in on The Early Show Wednesday morning, confirming the reports that the 20 castaways for Survivor: Cook Islands will be grouped by race, with competitors divided into four tribes consisting of whites, blacks, Asians and Hispanics.

Apparently, “separate but equal” holds only the warmest of connotations for Mark Burnett.

Like a good host, Probst had nothing but praise for the producers’ controversial brainchild, calling the exercise in segregation a valuable social experiment, rather than a stunt to dig up some controversy–and raise ratings.

“The idea for this actually came from the criticism that Survivor was not ethnically diverse enough, because for whatever reason, we always have a low number of minority applicants apply for the show,” Probst said.

“So we set out and said, ‘Let’s turn this criticism into creative for the show.’ And I think it fits perfectly with what Survivor does, which is, it is a social experiment. And this is adding another layer to that experiment, which is taking the show to a completely different level.”

Different level, yes. Good level, still to be determined.

“If I had been a producer of this show, it is not an idea I would have come up with or given approval to,” Robert Thompson, director of the Center for the Study of Popular Television at Syracuse University, told E! Online. “It’s like a return back to segregated leagues in sports. The unseemly interest this will invite certainly is not worth the dramatic elements it’s going to bring.”

“To the less-than-open minded person, it is very easy to trash us,” Burnett explained to Entertainment Weekly. “But we’re smart enough to not make it negative. We’re smart enough to have gotten rid of every racist person in casting.”

Though more to the point, the producers haven’t and can’t weed out every racially sensitive person in their audience who may take offense to the seemingly archaic, and potentially socially irresponsible, division.

While the 43-year-old host admitted that the players themselves had “mixed reactions” to the racial separation, he made clear that the division was not meant to incite any controversy, add to the tension during the competition or simply be viewed as a gimmick.

“Our original idea was simply to have the most ethnically diverse group of people on TV. It wasn’t until we got to casting and started noticing this theme of ethnic pride that we started thinking, ‘Wow, if culture is still playing such a big part in these people’s lives, that’s our idea. Let’s divide them based on ethnicity,’ ” he said.

Though not everyone is as excited about the idea as Probst and his Survivor crew.

“It sounds like a gimmick a lot of people are going to have real issues as to the taste of,” Thompson said.

Referencing Burnett’s previous experiments on Survivor and The Apprentice to divide teams by boys vs. girls and, more recently on the latter, by street smarts vs. book smarts, Thompson said that “these things don’t often work so well in less dicey situations.”

And any publicity is good publicity, right?

“As far as getting some attention, getting it talked about again, this’ll do it,” Thompson said. “Survivor is a great game. It’s the gold standard of reality TV. But nobody seems to talk about it anymore.”

Or watch it.

Survivor: Cook Islands will be the reality show’s 13th installment and comes on the heels of the least watched season in the series’ history. Despite garnering an Emmy nod for Best Reality Competition, Survivor: Panama–Exile Island, which split the tribes based on gender and age, averaged a franchise-low 16.8 million viewers. Hence the latest drastic measure.

CBS Entertainment president Nina Tassler told EW that while she was hesitant to give the go-ahead on the “risky idea,” she finally relented, saying it was the logical next step in “a show that explores social politics.”

“It’s not just 18 white people,” Probst told the magazine. “Suddenly you have new slang, new rituals–people doing things like making fire in ways that haven’t been done on Survivor. I think we have a season where people will say you can never go back to what you were before.”

It’s not the first time a primetime reality show has flirted with race, though it will be the first time one follows through.

Last year, Donald Trump hinted that The Apprentice was toying with the idea of dividing his two teams by race, only to backtrack on the notion when backlash started up, saying “I personally don’t like it, so it will never happen.”

Survivor: Cook Islands kicks off Sept. 14. Here’s a list of the competitors:

* Rebecca Borman, 24, makeup artist, Laurelton, New York;
* Anh-Tuan “Cao Boi” Bui, 42, nail salon manager, Christiansburg, Virginia;
* Sekou Bunch, 45, jazz musician, Los Angeles;
* J.P. Calderon, 30, pro volleyball player, Marina Del Rey, California;
* Cristina Coria, 35, police officer, Los Angeles;
* Stephannie Favor, 35, nursing student, Columbia, South Carolina;
* Billy Garcia, 36, heavy metal guitarist, New York City;
* Adam Gentry, 28, copier sales, San Diego;
* Nathan Gonzalez, 26, retail sales, Los Angeles;
* Jenny Guzon-Bae, 36, real estate agent, Lake Forest, Illinois;
* Yul Kwon, 31, management consultant, San Mateo, California;
* Becky Lee, 28, attorney, Washington, D.C.;
* Oscar “Ozzy” Lusth, 25, waiter, Venice, California;
* Cecilia Mansilla, 29, technology risk consultant, Oakland;
* Sundra Oakley, 31, actress, Los Angeles;
* Jonathan Penner, 44, writer/producer, Los Angeles;
* Parvati Shallow, 23, boxer/waitress, Los Angeles;
* Jessica Smith, 27, performance artist/rollergirl, Chico, California;
* Brad Virata, 29, fashion director, Los Angeles;
* Candice Woodcock, 23, premed student, Fayetteville, North Carolina.

*An ass-whuppin of epic proportions.

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On That Shit Again

Let me preface this by saying that I have nothing against caucasians. I love white folks, they’re very entertaining. I just like to pop a lot of shit, and what I’m putting down here is the same stuff I say to my white friends on a regular basis. If it doesn’t bother them, it shouldn’t bother you. If it does…I don’t care. Really, I don’t. With that said, I bring to you the latest installment in a series of what I like to call “White People With Good Intentions, Fucking Things Up”.

Chapter 1: Fergie Ruined The Black Eyed Peas
Chapter 2: People Who Would Be Happier If Gwen Stefani Didn’t Exist
Chapter 3: Maury Povich Doesn’t Care About Black People
Chapter 4: Nick Lachey Is A Bitch

I think

…that this man is the most unfortunate nigga in the history of modern R&B. This cat had K-Ci, JoJo, Timbaland, Missy, Ginuwine, Tweet, Playa, & wack-ass Magoo all in his stable…all at the same time. How can you assemble all of that talent, and 10 years later, have nothing to show for it ? You gotta be a major league asshole full of empty promises to lose this badly. I don’t know what he did to them, but I’m sure that somewhere Devante is sitting alone in a 4 cornered room staring at candles* regretting all of this…deep down, a small part of me wants to believe all the people I listed each had a small part in him getting jumped, stripped naked and robbed in his house. It was prolly Magoo & Missy.

*Name this reference, No Google

I HATE bad-ass kids

So, I’m in the barbershop this morning, and this little kid is just running amuck. He’s about 2, 3 years old, and just doing what he wants to do. Lil bastard even took a swing at me cause I was getting in the chair and he wasn’t. I think his dad was retarded, or mute…either or, cause he wouldn’t even say anything. It’s like he was afraid of this lil nigga. Triple B had to tell him several times to “get your kid”, she even stopped cutting this dudes hair to pick the kid up and put him in a chair. 5 minutes later, he’s running around throwing magazines and shit, and his dad is looking at him and gesturing for him to come back, and the kid is just blowing him off, mean muggin and making baby sounds which equate to “leemelone you punk ass nigga, I run this muthafucka !” Not once did this dude say anything above a whisper, leading me to believe that he’s scared of his own kid. Now I don’t have any kids, but when I do, I dare one of them to act like this demon. I can almost guarantee with 100% certainty, that my kids will be the most well-mannered lil niglets on the planet. If you’re the parent of a bad-ass kid, you suck. And your kid sucks too. Yeah, I said it.

Just a random social experiment

Add yourself to my map, suckas. I want to see where the rest of you jive turkeys are hiding out. Just in case I ever come to your hood you can buy a nigga a drink or 2.

Click Here