A Day In The Life

Long ass read…if you have a.d.d., you might just want to wait until people start posting comments and try and put the story together that way. Otherwise, here ya go:

Friday July 7, 2006. “Go shawty, it’s your birthday…”

8:53pm

Driving down La Brea toward Hollywood. Why in the hell is traffic moving so slow at this time of night ? This is usually the quick route to the valley.

9:07pm

I see the reason for the back up. There’s 20 police cars in the gas station on Sunset. Either this bitch has gotten robbed, or they found Osama trying to buy a hot dog with his fill up on #4. Anyways, over the hill and up the 101 I go.

10:47pm

After linking up with the homies to get lubricated at Sapphire, we head back over the hill to go to Shag. This is where the evening gets interesting. Since I’m not driving, I’m already in rare form by the time we get there. While skipping the line, this chick who’s obviously tired of waiting yells out, “We’ve been waiting for an hour, where the fuck are you guys going ?”. The nice guy in me wasn’t gonna say anything, but the nigga in me who’s got a nice amount of Patron going says, “I guess you shouldn’t have worn your ugly face tonight, maybe you would have gotten in earlier. Sorry, hun. Toodles.” Duece thrown. Funny thing is, I don’t even know who said it, cause I didn’t look back while I was talking. I’m Rick James’ ghost, bitch.

11:33pm

How come there’s only 2 sistas up in here ?

12:09am

After dancing with Becky (I shit you not, her name was Becky) for a good minute, I decide that it’s time to head back to the bar. So we exchange #’s and keep it movin. When I get over to the bar, the homie has a shot waiting for me. The bartender hears us doing the birthday toast and whatnot, and says that since it’s my birthday, she’s paying for my drinks tonight. I love me some her. It’s not like I was paying anyway, but that left some cash in my niggas’ pockets. That’s a good look.

12:43am

I mosy over to the 2 chicks from Chocolate City, and start making conversation. After a couple minutes, we move out to the dance floor. Yep, 3 out of the 12 brown people have made a Chocolate Oreo on the floor. After sweating out some liquor, one of them dips out and I’m left with Kelly, who proceeds to give me her resume. Like I’m an agent or talent scout…anyway, I pretend to listen. Nodding and smiling, with the occasional “For real ?”. Numbers exchanged, it’s time for the posse to head out.

1:03am

Where the fuck is the dude with the hot dogs ?

1:47am

Drunk dialing June. She didn’t answer. Leaves a message.

2:22am

Calls June again. Leaves another message threatening to call every 15-20 minutes if she doesn’t answer.

2:45am

Call #3. Still no answer. If she knows what’s good for her, she’ll answer next time. I’m The Juggernaut, bitch !

3:53am

Booty Johnson finally calls back. But I’m not nearly as drunk as I was earlier. So I just gave her the rundown of what happened, instead the “Hey baby, I wanna tickle your booty with a feather duster” line I usually give her. Now, before you jackasses accuse me of harassing her during booty call hours, she gave me permission to call her on my way home. Now that I think of it, I didn’t get my song either. You called 2 times, but no song…the fuck ? I type in protest.

Saturday July 8, 2006 “Groundhog Day…”

8:42am

A jackhammer. Why do I hear a jackhammer ? Who jackhams (I know it’s not a real word) at this time of day, on a Saturday ? I hope whoever it is catches gonorrhea.

9:15am

Honey-nut Cheerios are the shit !

9:30am

Shower & back to sleep.

5:46pm

Who the fuck is this ? Pagin me at 5:46 in the mornin crack a dawnin, now I’m yawnin…wait a minute, it’s 5:46pm. My bad, let me answer it. “Get yo ass up, we at it again !”

8:30pm

In order to save time, let’s just say that the same thing from the previous evening went down. Only differences were the locations and the names. At one point I did point across the room and yell “Is that Bruce Bruce, nigga ?”. I knew it wasn’t, but the rum told me it was.

Sunday July 9, 2006 “Cougar Fest ’06 was a smashing success…”

8:10am

Now it’s a fuckin dog ? Are you kidding me ? If the bastard doesn’t shut up, I’m poisoning hs ass.

11:22am

*Phone rings*

Me: Miguel’s bake shop and oil change.

: What are you doing ?

Me: Just got out of the shower, about to go put some cyanide in my neighbors’ dogs bowl. Sup ?

: You need to come to El Guapo. We’re watching the World Cup finals.

Me: I don’t do soccer

: But the spot is thick with females.

Me: Gimme 15 minutes.

12:00pm

Finally get to the spot, and it’s packed like a slave ship in that bitch. And these fools got a table outside ? It’s about 90 degrees. Shit. Oh well, I’m here. And the eye candy is nice. I’m staying.

12:25pm

The chicks at the table next to us get an umbrella. So, we ask the waiter to grab one for us. Another waiter than the one we asked brings the umbrella, then “Brad” says it’s for his table, not us. Fuck outta here, we asked first. The waiter doesn’t know who it’s for so he says he’s gonna flip a coin. We call heads, we win, “Brad” mumbles something about this not being right, I look over at him, smile, and say “Hey, tough break, nigga !”. Duece thrown. He storms off. Another classic Miguel moment. It’s gonna be a good day.

1:05pm

My boy’s boy shows up to join us. So, now we’re 4 deep. Watching the game and rooting for France, cause they had more brothers on the team. Drinking strawberry rita’s eating chicken nachos, and spitting game at the United Colors of Bennetton chicks at the table next to us. Life is good, and has somehow turned into an episode of Entourage.

1:45pm

We get the call about something going down in Manhattan Beach. We decide to roll out, cause it’s early. Why not ? What’s the worst that could happen ?

2:10pm

Why did I leave my car at El Guapo ? If I knew we were gonna drive down La Brea to get on the 10 then to the 405, I would have dropped the car off at home.

3:05pm

After getting lost, we finally make it to the spot. A little bar in a hotel called Shade. More niggas I don’t know start to filter in, but it’s all love. They’re some cool people, and they brought women with them, and roll with a white dude they call K-Fed which makes them even better in my book. After about 2 hours, someone comes up with the idea to move the party to a spot called Sangria in Hermosa Beach. I’m already lubricated, so it sounds like a great idea. We move.

5:35pm

Walk into this spot, and there doesn’t seem to be much going on, but the room next door has a buffet spread. Game on. Me & my boy walk in, and we notice that everybody is wearing nametags. Now because of the liquor we’ve consumed up to this point, it doesn’t occur to us that this may be a private function, and it didn’t stop niggas from grabbing a plate. So we walk over to the table by the door and ask for our name tags, and they tell us, that we can’t be there cause it’s a dating event for 40-50 year olds. Sheeeeeeeeeeeit, now we GOTTA stay. After sweet talking the host into letting us stay, we get name tags and start working the room.

7:10pm

One of the girls who came with us came over from next door to investigate what we were up to, cause apparently they were concerned. Then one of the dudes came over to see what was going on too. They should shook their heads and laughed, and walked back to the other side.

7:30pm

After a while, we settle on the group in the corner who live on the well preserved side of Cougarville, cause they don’t look to be 42-45 as they claimed. So we proceed to holla at them for the rest of the night, which was only about 30 more minutes. We exchange numbers and make plans to hook up again. Yep.

8:05pm

We go back to the dance floor, and proceed to dance off the drinks with some ladies in our age range.

8:37pm

The dudes we met earlier were leaving, and I thought we were leaving too, when our ride told us that he had 3 more chicks coming. I guess were aren’t going anywhere.

10:37pm

Outta fuckin nowhere, K-Fed walks through. We thought his ass left 2 hours ago. Another random laugh for the night.

11:00pm

We finally hook up with the chicks that ol boy called up. We end up going to this reggae spot for a couple drinks and some more dancing. Who taught this lil asian chick to move like that ? Me likey. Game on. This older black lady walks past us on the way to the restroom…wait a minute, wasn’t that chick over at the Cougar event ? I look at my boy and the look on his face confirms it. It’s Shirley. We laugh, but no one else gets the funny.

1:23am

Off to Denny’s, where we bump into 2 dudes from the 40-50 singles event, a dude named Mike and one I was calling David Lee Roth. These cats have gone and pulled some chicks younger than us. Old man game must be strong.

2:30am

We say our goodbyes to the new chicks and finally make our way home. Who could have seen this shit coming ?

2:45am

We drive past my house a second time, to go back to El Guapo to get the car.

2:55am

There’s a really big girl standing outside a parked car, talking to her friends. She’s wearing a purple shirt. I call her Grimace. Wrong ? Yes. Funny ? Yes.

3:02am

I finally get to the car, to drive back to where I came from. Driving back down La Brea, I pass ol girl and her friends again. I think to myself “Hey Kool-aid !!!”. Asshole ? Sometimes, but the shit was funny.

3:15am

Finally made it home. Who knew this shit would happen when that fuckin dog woke me up ? In the words of Ms. Badu, “What a day, what a day”.

As I type this, I just got a text message from one of the last chicks we hooked up with, saying that they had a helluva time and want to do it again…to be continued.

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11 responses

  1. xp

    Damn I am first! Does a mean shoulder lean lol… girls can do it cute… wow… you had a helluva birthday celebration. LOL @ yo mean ass… Grimace, Koolaid, Ugly face… wow, well keep doing it big… and yea, that shit played out like that Jay Z Song “Do it Again…” …12 AM on the way to the club…

    July 12, 2006 at 3:32 pm

  2. jk with an E

    even though i knew about this whole damn post (with the exception of cougarfest), i read it anyway. does that mean i don’t have A.D.D.?

    and yes people i did give him permission to call me during booty call hours, but i was @ pirates of the fucking carribean and thought it’d be rude to chatter up with my buddy to hear the funnies of the night. but and i say BUT, i did call him back when i was done with that stupid movie and got the update… and i was gonna sing him a song, really i was, but the has moment passed. or do you want me to sing you the song anyway??? no? ok…

    glad you had fun miguelito… i’ll be there next year for the celebration… bitches!!

    July 12, 2006 at 7:41 pm

  3. Peabo DeBarge

    the triple 7 party is gonna be more organized chaos rather than random shit. there will be some sort of theme as well.

    July 13, 2006 at 3:13 am

  4. RiceCrispy

    Sounds like you had a lot of fun…I guess I got ADD cause I had to start skimming near the end 😛

    Boy you got some energy tho. I’m turning 27 in a couple months…I think my tired bones will be doing something more lowkey 😉

    Plus that old man game don’t work on me so sometimes I just get tired of going out and being harrassed by greasy men!

    July 14, 2006 at 5:32 pm

  5. debs

    This is my first post to fine ass Miquel, but I come here all the time and read your crazy blog. I am real mad at you for the Grimace-I am at work and screamed (supposed to be Administrator on Duty with lots of straigtness and dignity). Also, I will be 38 in September and also consider myself well-preseved, but not feeling the whole cougar thing. Thanks for the laughs.

    July 15, 2006 at 11:35 am

  6. Peabo DeBarge

    well, rc

    next year is gonna be even bigger 7/7/07…after that, then i’ll slow it down. til then, it’s open season.

    July 15, 2006 at 11:36 am

  7. jameil1922

    that’s a helluva bday hot damn!! where’s mine!? i’m comin to cali for my bday. mad y’all busted in the 40+ event. that’s hilarious. lmao @the ugly face on!! you stoopid! the dogs knew you were drunk. so did the jackhammers.

    July 16, 2006 at 10:00 am

  8. Talk$how

    Drinkin’ white with a snow bunny? I uttered “becky” to a 1/2 becky & gave myself the Heisman as a result. I don’t know if you’re still hell bent on vegas but I was there for a week & found out the Hard Rock has it’s own prostitutes. But I didn’t indulge. Halah Bread!

    July 16, 2006 at 3:18 pm

  9. ~Allie.s

    LMAO @ Grimace. Yes it was a long read but your stories are always entertaining. So it was fine.

    I also loved the “Tough break nigga” W/ the duece and the “….ugly face w/ the duece.” The whole time I was reading it I was thinking you were gonna get drunk and try to holla at the ugly girl or see her someplace else.

    July 17, 2006 at 7:23 am

  10. i like liquor and tv

    Man, I’m so proud! Patrone..rum..etc. A whole weekend of drinkin. That’s what I’m talkin about!

    lol@Becky
    lol@The cougar’s name being Shirley
    I’m imaginin Shirley from What’s Happenin

    And lol@me also always calling a big broad Grimace..or Barney.

    July 17, 2006 at 7:18 pm

  11. i like liquor and tv

    ..of course I meant only those big broads that wear purple.

    July 17, 2006 at 7:20 pm

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