This shit might not be funny to anyone but me, but here it is anyway. Inspired by Jameil’s blurb about the “Raccoon Hater”, here’s the unbelievably true story of murder and/or suicide.
I was driving home last year, when about a block away this dude on a moped(not a scooter, a fuckin moped) slashed between me and another car as we were both turning. After both of us give him the “fuck wrong wit you ?” horn blow, I proceed up the street and park in front of the house. As I’m getting out of the car, I hear his p.o.s. putt-putting up the street toward me. I think nothing of it until I’m walking toward the front porch and I hear tires screeching and a sudden, “Ugggh…pop!”. I look back, and this lil nigga is in the middle of the fuckin street, chest first. While laughing, I think, “How did you just fall off this shit, doing 12, 13 mph tops ?” Now watching all of this was my brother, the next door neighbor, and about 3 other dudes from the block…while the homie James was going to help dude up, Will yells out “You fuckin squirrel murderer !!!”. So, I look back again and I see a fluffy ass tail up under dude. This nigga done landed on a squirrel. Instantly, the situation goes from slight concern for him hitting the ground to Def Comedy Jam, La Brea edition. Between fits of laughter, these are some of the classic quotes that came out of it:
“How the fuck did you hit a squirrel with that slow ass moped ?”
“What was the squirrel thinking ? Was he suicidal ?”
“Why did you stop ? Was the squirrel waving you down ?”
“These squirrels dodge cars around here all day long and don’t get hit, but the slowest vehicle on the block dusts one off”
“Nigga, you got walnut crumbs & squirrel blood on your shirt”
and my personal favorite
“You better watch your back, Alvin & Simon gon’ fuck you up”
So, after taking all this abuse, dude tries to get back on the bike and go home, and the bitch won’t start. Now he has to walk it home, thus taking a second round of verbal abuse. That was a good day. Every now and then, I see him walking past the house on his way home from school. At least once a month, I can hear someone yelling “Squirrel !!!” as he walks by. Shit never gets old.