Archive for June, 2006

Best.Story.Ever.

Suit: NBA Player Watching Porn, Drunk Before Crash
Claim Targets Minnesota Timberwolves’ Eddie Griffin

(CBS) MINNEAPOLIS A lawsuit was filed Thursday against Minnesota Timberwolves forward Eddie Griffin and the Minneapolis Police Department in connection with an accident involving Griffin in late March.

Interim Police Chief Tim Dolan ordered an internal investigation of the incident after the WCCO-TV I-TEAM contacted him last week about the crash, reports WCCO-TV’s Caroline Lowe.

The lawsuit alleges Griffin was visibly drunk when he crashed his Cadillac Escalade into a parked Chevy Suburban in front of a store in southeast Minneapolis.

It also claims Griffin told a witness he was watching pornography and masturbating as he drove that night.

Witnesses said the two officers who handled the incident did not test Griffin for alcohol. Instead, they gave him tickets for driving without a license and inattentive driving and also drove him to his home in St. Paul.

WCCO-TV has obtained a copy of the store’s security video and audio of the 911 calls from that night and plans to air them Thursday at 11 p.m. ET.

Click here for video

Discuss amongst yourselves…


Fat Bastards

We’re a country full of barrel asses. It’s true. Some of us don’t want to admit it, but it is what it is. The thing that really brought this to my attention was a Taco Bell commercial encouraging people to have a “4th meal” that falls between dinner and breakfast. Come on now, as if niggas need to be eating at 4am. Drive-thru food at that. Don’t get me wrong, after a night of clubbing and partying, it’s understandable. Ok, I’ll give you that one. But they’re trying to get people to make it a part of their daily routine. That shit ain’t right…And while we’re on the subject, there’s no reason for Burger King to be pushing a “Texas Style Triple Whopper”. A TRIPLE FUCKIN WHOPPER !!! It’s like a bag full of heart attack. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m no health junkie, but damn, this is ridiculous. Anyway, my point is this. Have a carrot and a V-8 splash tomorrow, niggas.


If you don’t have this, go get it

I can’t stop banging this shit. I can see why it was 3 years in the making. The Dr. Dre/Busta Rhymes combo is a good one, and you won’t be disappointed if you pick it up. I guarantee it. I mean really, Stevie Wonder doesn’t do songs with anybody, but he does one with Busta ? That’s pimp shit.


Hakuna Matata, muthafuckas

DPG – Cali Iz Active

It’s summertime, bitches. Are you ready ? I’m is. The fits are precise, the lids are on point, and the shoe game is ridonkulous. Yessir. The makeover on my grandfather’s Eldorado has begun, so yes, the Cadillac pimpin will commence in a timely manner. Please believe it. If you’re living in a city that unbearably hot, while you’re sweating like a ho in church, I will gladly enjoy this Southern Cali weather for you…78 with a slight breeze ? Oh yes. Summertime brings a lots and lots of goodies, my favorite ? The ladies are starting to wear less and less, so it’s time to start chicken hawkin’. Watch the reckless eyeballin’, and no one gets hurt. Get at me. Backyard parties & Q’s during the day, Hollywood at night. Fan-fuckin-tastic. If you don’t feel the same as me regarding the next few months, you have no soul. Ol’ grinch-ass nigga. Uh huh.


For Jameil

This shit might not be funny to anyone but me, but here it is anyway. Inspired by Jameil’s blurb about the “Raccoon Hater”, here’s the unbelievably true story of murder and/or suicide.

I was driving home last year, when about a block away this dude on a moped(not a scooter, a fuckin moped) slashed between me and another car as we were both turning. After both of us give him the “fuck wrong wit you ?” horn blow, I proceed up the street and park in front of the house. As I’m getting out of the car, I hear his p.o.s. putt-putting up the street toward me. I think nothing of it until I’m walking toward the front porch and I hear tires screeching and a sudden, “Ugggh…pop!”. I look back, and this lil nigga is in the middle of the fuckin street, chest first. While laughing, I think, “How did you just fall off this shit, doing 12, 13 mph tops ?” Now watching all of this was my brother, the next door neighbor, and about 3 other dudes from the block…while the homie James was going to help dude up, Will yells out “You fuckin squirrel murderer !!!”. So, I look back again and I see a fluffy ass tail up under dude. This nigga done landed on a squirrel. Instantly, the situation goes from slight concern for him hitting the ground to Def Comedy Jam, La Brea edition. Between fits of laughter, these are some of the classic quotes that came out of it:

“How the fuck did you hit a squirrel with that slow ass moped ?”
“What was the squirrel thinking ? Was he suicidal ?”
“Why did you stop ? Was the squirrel waving you down ?”
“These squirrels dodge cars around here all day long and don’t get hit, but the slowest vehicle on the block dusts one off”
“Nigga, you got walnut crumbs & squirrel blood on your shirt”

and my personal favorite

“You better watch your back, Alvin & Simon gon’ fuck you up”

So, after taking all this abuse, dude tries to get back on the bike and go home, and the bitch won’t start. Now he has to walk it home, thus taking a second round of verbal abuse. That was a good day. Every now and then, I see him walking past the house on his way home from school. At least once a month, I can hear someone yelling “Squirrel !!!” as he walks by. Shit never gets old.


Joke O’ The Day

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It’s opened by a little twelve year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other, and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: “Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?”
Little boy: “What the fuck do you think?”


Real Hip Hop ?

Last night, I went out for drinks with some co-workers, and one of the homies goes off on this tangent about the music that was being played and how they should “be playing the real hip hop instead of this bullshit”. That line caught my attention, so I started pressing him to go further, and of course he was more than happy to. “Man, all this shit they play nowadays…that ain’t hip hop. All they talk about is partying, beefin with another crew and bragging about the shit they have, fuck em, gimme that real shit”. He goes on about how Nelly isn’t hip hop, 50 Cent isn’t hip hop, Jay-Z isn’t hip hop, etc. So, I ask for some examples of “the real shit”, and he goes “Immortal Technique, dead prez, KRS-One, Nas…”, and that’s when I could hear the brakes being slammed, “Nas ? Nigga, did you just say Nas ?”, and he says “Yeah, Nas is the truth. Haven’t you heard ‘Coon Picnic’ ? I love the way he was calling out these sellouts. That’s real hip hop right there.” Again, I go “Nas ? Dude is the epitome of all the shit you just railed against for the past 10 minutes. Did you only listen to ‘Illmatic’ and stop listening to him for 10 years, then pick up ‘God’s Son’ & ‘Streets Disciple’ ?” Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Nas fan…but I remember “Firm Biz”, “Hate Me Now”, “Oochie Wally” and my personal favorite, “You Owe Me”. This cat is just as guilty of poppin tags as anyone else in the game today. And KRS-One ? It would take 2 weeks to break down his contradictions. But back to the champion of all things hip hop…”Like this Nelly (one of his songs was on), dude is wack. I’m glad KRS aired him out. All he talks about is partying and shit. That ain’t hip hop”. This cat was cracking me up, so I go, “You know by saying that dudes like Nelly aren’t ‘real’, you completely discredit anything that happened before ‘The Message’ came out. That means Afrika Bambaataa, The Furious Five, The Treacherous Three, Sugar Hill Gang, etc. were fake, cause they all did party music. The essence of hip hop was the party in the park…emcees bragging and boasting about why their crew was tighter than the next. That’s what this shit was built on”. This went on for a good 45 minutes, and dude wasn’t trying to grasp the concept. Basically, what I was trying to convey to him is this, there are a lot of garbage artists out there, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t hip hop. I mean, I think Black Eyed Peas are wack as fuck, but I would never say they weren’t hip hop. Just wack.

Aight people, speak on it.

*Leaves blog bumpin Young Dro & T.I. – Shoulder Lean*


Since I was asked…

Q:
Sugar P said…Alright Miguel, I gotta know…seeing as though my Suns and your Lakers are both out, who are you rooting for in the NBA finals?

🙂

6:30 PM, June 13, 2006

A:
I could care less…but, as a Laker fan, my hate for the Mavs goes back to the Rolando Blackman/Mark Aguirre/Derek Harper days. I can’t root for Miami because they have Gary Payton AND Antoine Walker on the squad… that’s reason enough to hate the entire state of Florida.


The Devil’s Advocate (Part 2)

Since I was called out by Jameil(it’s like she was reading my mind, but I did drop a clue by naming it “The Devil’s Advocate” ;-p), here’s the second part:

At work yesterday, I was talking to a couple co-workers about random shit, and somehow we ended up talking about Buffie The Body. Now my man spent quite a bit of time extolling the greatness that is Buffie’s ass. I, on the other hand, couldn’t figure out what makes her so special. There’s ass like that on the streets everyday(What up, June ?), so why is she so hot right now ? Dude goes, “Let’s go to the website, you’ll see.” So we pull it up, and I’m clicking around and seeing what’s there. Not really all that impressed, until we got to the “calendar” & the “bio/contact” section, and I saw this:
That’s when the wheels started turning. For the right price, I can have this bird show up at an event. But why ? I mean, what does she do ? In the words of N.O.R.E., “Nothin !”. You book her, promote the event, then have this bitch stand around with a tight pair of pants all night ? Fuckin brilliant ! I gotta get in on this action. I know what you’re thinking, “Nigga, how are you gonna say it’s brilliant, when 24 hours ago you were shitting on ol’ girl ?”…it’s like this. If she can get away with having people pay her to show up places, just because she got a fat ass, she’s obviously smarter than I am. Let’s say she is getting $500 for these gigs…this month alone, according to her calendar, she’s doing 13 of them. Nigga, that’s $6500 !!! $6500, plus hotel & travel (I assume), for doing jack shit…standing around in a pair of tight pants and maybe saying 7 words on the mic. I bet she bumps track #1 on Reasonable Doubt* everyday. It’s probably her ringtone. The fact that people are willing to part with their hard earned cash, for such a trivial reason amazes me. To go to a club just because a G-list celebrity is gonna be there ? I have to get my finger in this pie. Get that money, gull.

*Niggas know…


The Devil’s Advocate

At work yesterday, I was talking to a couple co-workers about random shit, and somehow we ended up talking about Buffie The Body. Now my man spent quite a bit of time extolling the greatness that is Buffie’s ass. I, on the other hand, couldn’t figure out what makes her so special. There’s ass like that on the streets everyday(What up, June ?), so why is she so hot right now ? Dude goes, “Let’s go to the website, you’ll see.” So we pull it up, and I’m clicking around and seeing what’s there. Not really all that impressed, until we got to the “calendar” & the “bio/contact” section, and I saw this:

That’s when the wheels started turning. For the right price, I can have this bird show up at an event. But why ? I mean, what does she do ? In the words of N.O.R.E., “Nothin !”. You book her, promote the event, then have this bitch stand around with a tight pair of pants all night ? Shhhhheeeeeeit, not the kid. If you’re gonna get some money from me, you gotta at least earn it, ya dig ? Not just standing around doing nothing. And on another note, if you’re going to a party just because it’s being “hosted” by Vivica A. Fox, Morris Chestnut & Buffie The Body (Even I can’t make this shit up), you just need to quit going to clubs altogether. Keep your country ass at home. But back to Buffie, she can’t possibly be making that much bread at these events, I’m thinking fo’, fi’ hunnid, tops. I’ll give this ho a grand just to come to my house and do random shit like cut the grass or rearrange furniture…And not in a thong or boy shorts either. I’d put her ass in a black Dickies suit and some Wolverine work boots. Shit, I’d have her making balloon animals at my godson’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese…wouldn’t even tell anybody she was coming either, it would be me, her & 15 4th graders. By the end of the day, she’d be rethinking her career choice…if you wanna call it a career. Chuuuch.


Hey

There won’t be anything to see here until Monday. Too much going on at work, but don’t fret, I’ll be back in a few days with some of the most disrespectful shit since Suge Knight had Pac killed. Hit me with an email, Peace.


Because Blogger is trippin


…and I have no patience, this one is gonna be short. I pose this challenge to anyone who reads this. I need an unedited version of LL Cool J’s “The Boomin’ System”. I used to have it, but can’t find it anywhere. The version released as a single is different than the album version, and the album version is all I can seem to find these days. And I know what you’re thinking, “What’s in it for me” ? Well, here it is…I’ll see to it that you recieve a river of gold and 12 virgins in the afterlife. What a deal !!!* OK, really you’ll get my undying and unfailing respect, and your heart will be filled with joy knowing you did something nice. 🙂

*I figure if Osama can use this sales pitch to get people to blow themselves to bits, it could at least get me an LL record.


Dumbest Nigga Of The Year, candidate # 6

Now this story broke about 2, 3 weeks ago, but now there are pics to go along with it. These pics are some of the funniest I’ve ever seen. For those who don’t know, Juwan Howard is an NBA player…not only is he in the league, over his career he’s #6 in career earnings. NUMBER FUCKING 6 !!! He’s made more in salary than cats you might have heard of…Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Karl Malone, you know, niggas like that. All for being a journeyman and role player. In the words of Cameron Giles, “Shit’s disgusting”. Check it:
Career Leaders for Salary
Click on the Player for career statistics and accomplishments.
Estimated salaries are marked with an asterisk (*).
Note: Salary leaders are for the 1968 through 2006 NBA seasons.

Name Salary
1 Shaquille O’Neal $191,614,005
2 Kevin Garnett $147,413,420
3 Alonzo Mourning $129,279,900
4 Patrick Ewing *$123,843,120
5 Chris Webber $121,242,500
6 Juwan Howard $118,238,700
7 David Robinson *$118,135,623
8 Scottie Pippen *$109,862,430
9 Dikembe Mutombo $108,738,924
10 Karl Malone *$106,468,378
Ol boy has been stealing money from a couple NBA teams, so I guess he figured he may as well steal some Cartier glasses, too. But I digress. Peep:

Juwan Howard faces charges of stealing from SoBe store
BY SUSAN ANASAGASTI
sanasagasti@MiamiHerald.com

Pro basketball player Juwan Howard is facing charges he stole an expensive pair of sunglasses from a South Beach store.

Miami Beach police told The Miami Herald they’ll seek a warrant for Howard’s arrest today.

Howard, who plays forward with the Houston Rockets, was at Eye Q Optical at 760 Ocean Dr. on Saturday, trying on several sunglasses.

He paid $192 for a pair, according to a Miami Beach police report.

As he was paying with his credit card, Howard pocketed a pair of $1,695 Cartier shades and walked off, according to police.

A surveillance camera recorded the scene, police said. The 6-9, 230-pound forward owns a condo on Brickell Key and a home in the Coral Gables area.

The Rockets finished 34-48 and out of the playoffs. A call to the Houston Rockets media relations department was not immediately returned on Thursday morning.

No arrest warrant has been issued for Howard, but Miami Beach police detectives said they have enough evidence, including a surveillance video, to arrest him for grand theft.

The six-foot-nine-inch, 230-pound forward was shopping at Eye Q Optical at 760 Ocean Dr. Saturday morning when he looked at three pairs of sunglasses. Howard especially liked the rimless Cartier Atlantis, said Miguel Rodriguez, the clerk on duty.

”It’s a limited production piece. Not every store carries them. It’s considered jewelry eyeware,” Rodriguez said.

Using his Visa credit card, Howard paid for two pairs of sunglasses, valued together at $856. But as he was paying, Howard slipped the Cartier shades into his right front pocket and walked out of the store, police said.

The store’s owner, Dimitri Logins, later called police to tell them that the store clerk identified the NBA star as a suspect and that he recognized him as a regular customer.

A surveillance camera recorded the scene, police said.

The basketball player’s Miami attorney, Peter Kamenesch, denied the allegation, saying Howard paid for the sunglasses.

”That’s what we’re going to show,” Kamenesch said, declining to elaborate because the case is under investigation. He added: “It’s a total mischaracterization of the events.”

A member of the University of Michigan’s famed Fab 5 team, Howard briefly signed with the Miami Heat in 1996 for $100 million before the contract was voided because it exceeded the team’s salary cap. That year, he was also arrested for drunken driving and sent to an alcohol rehabilitation program.

This season with the Rockets, he averaged 11.8 points and 6.7 rebounds per game. The Rockets didn’t make the playoffs.

Howard owns a Brickell Avenue condominium and a home in Coral Gables.

The next day, there was a statement released. And it went a lil’ somethin like dis:

”I am aware of the situation and have spoken to my attorney. I will vigorously defend myself and am confident that I’ll be cleared of these baseless allegations,” Howard said in a statement released through the Rockets.

For real, nigga ? OK, let’s go to the videotape:


And my personal favorite, the “I can’t believe they don’t see me doing this shit” pic:

I don’t even need to say anything else. Discuss amongst yourselves.