Archive for February, 2006

I’ve been having a shitty day, but this made me laugh

Streaker interrupts bronze medal match
Scottish man ejected after dancing on ice sheet; U.S. takes bronze, 8-6
John Macdougall / AFP – Getty Images

PINEROLO, Italy – Britain’s match against the United States for the men’s curling bronze medal was interrupted on Friday when a male streaker ran across the ice.

With poultry for a loin cloth, the man vaulted the barriers and danced up and down the side of the ice sheet for several minutes before being bundled away by bemused rink attendants.

The British team, skipped by David Murdoch, who were lagging the U.S. 6-2 in the sixth end, rested on their brooms, laughing, while the streaker jiggled past.

As armed police ejected the man, naked into the cold mountain air, he was heard to plead in a Scottish accent: “Please will someone bring me my clothes?”

The British team, made up of all Scots, went on to lose the game 8-6.

Stick a fork in me, I’m done

I’m officially over this new job. It’s not as it was advertised, and now they’re sticking the kid on the graveyard shift on weekends. What kind of shit is this ? When I first started, I was told about how they have trouble keeping people, but wasn’t ever told why. Now I know, shit is lame and most of the people fuckin suck. In the 2 months I’ve been there, the director who hired me was fired/resigned(depending on who you ask) within 2 weeks of me starting, and this week the same thing has happened to the chick who was under him(coincidentally, the same person who assumed his duties even though they kept the position vacant). She was fired and/or resigned. So now, the top 2 positions in the dept. are vacant. Basically the dept. is running itself now. This is gonna be an interesting time, as I don’t know how long I can hold out and stick around this joint. I need to just say “fuck it” and move to vegas, job or not, cause I can’t take much more of this place. I could sell oranges at the freeway exits or at the intersection of las vegas blvd. & flamingo rd…it’s at the point where I’m almost ready to go back to cruise ships. That’s where I am right now. The fact that going back to sea is starting to sound appealing should say a lot about this place.

It’s time for me

to retire the Mikey Fandango alias. For the next few months it’s all about Niggarus Excelcius II aka Niggaro Jones. Please believe it.

I wasn’t gonna post anything today…

but dammit I want one of these: This looks like it has good times all over it…literally.

Edit: Look at the chicks face…she’s about to get her “Mandingo” on… LOL

Another candidate for "Dumbest Nigga Of The Year"

Ricky Sticky Icky is at it again…I can’t make this shit up.

Report: Dolphins RB Williams violates NFL drug policy
February 19, 2006

MIAMI (Ticker) – Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams apparently is in trouble with the NFL again.

The Miami Herald reported on its web site Sunday night that Williams faces at least a one-year suspension from the NFL after testing positive for drug use a fourth time under the league’s substance abuse policy.

According to the report, two sources confirmed a report by WSVN-TV that Williams had failed the test, although neither would say the substance he used. Williams had tested positive in the past for marijuana use.

After stunning the football world by announcing his retirement during training camp in July 2004, Williams returned to the NFL this past season and rushed for 743 yards and six touchdowns.

Williams missed the first four games of the season and was fined for the second and third violations of the substance abuse program. Those positive tests reportedly occurred in December 2003 and in the 2004 offseason.

Known for his interesting and complex nature off the field, Williams has rushed for 7,097 yards in six seasons since being picked fifth overall by the New Orleans Saints in 1999. The Saints traded eight picks to the Washington Redskins for the right to select the former Heisman Trophy winner.

In 1999, Williams’ professional career also started in odd fashion when his eight-year contract was negotiated by rapper Master P’s agency. The deal contained large incentives but low base salaries, including just $350,000 as a rookie.

Nominee #1 Marcus Vick: Gunslinger

The shit that happens to me…

i just spent 5 minutes of my life that i’ll never get back arguing with the idiot at taco bell. a couple hours ago, i’m beating my cousin’s ass in madden 06, and i suddenly want a pizza. instead of waiting for a delivery, i decide to roll to the pizza hut/taco bell combo joint. i order one each for me and my cousin, and noticed the breadsticks were 3 for $1.39, so i get those too. total comes up to 12 something… i think nothing of it and pay, right ? then i take 2 steps and make the scooby-doo “huh ?” sound. i look at the reciept, and the breadsticks say $4.17. wtf ? so i roll back over to uncle ruckus and go, “ummm, if the breadsticks are $1.39, why does my reciept say $4.17 ?” and this is where the fun starts:

uncle ruckus: you ordered 3 right ? with the tax, that’s what it comes up to.

miguel: the sign says 3 breadsticks for $1.39. (pointing) it says right there, 3 for $1.39. how does it jump to $4.17 because of the tax ? are we in monte carlo ?

uncle ruckus : with the tax, your total would be about $1.50 or so…

miguel: so, you’re telling me that each breadstick is $1.39 ?

uncle ruckus: yes. (slapping his hands together with each price)$1.39 + $1.39 + $1.39

miguel: then why does the sign say 3 for $1.39 ? look, it’s right there !

uncle ruckus: because that’s how much they cost.

miguel: are you playin with me right now ? you just said they were $1.39 each.

uncle ruckus: they are.

miguel: ………………..(giving him the “fuck wrong witchu” face)

uncle ruckus: ………………..(giving me the “I’m blatantly wrong, but swear I’m right” face)

miguel: i don’t think you’re understanding me bruh, if the sign says that i get 3 for $1.39, then that’s what i should be paying.

uncle ruckus: (bringing my order from the back…in a big ass bag) here you go. 2 pizzas and 3 breadsticks. thank you for chossing taco bell/pizza hut.

by now, the line behind me is in hysterics. one dude is in tears he’s laughing so hard. the girl behind me says to her friend “order 3 breadsticks and see what happens”. the people in line are now looking at sign and pointing it out to him, but this nigga ain’t changing his mind, and obviously wants me outta here. so i start looking in this big ass family size bag, and i see 9 fuckin breadsticks.

miguel: my man, you charged me for 9 breadsticks.

uncle ruckus: that’s 3

miguel: no. i have 3 boxes with 3 breadsticks in them. (in the same handslapping tone he gave me earlier) 3 + 3 + 3 is 9, bruh. that’s why it came up to $4.17, you charged me for 9, not 3.

uncle ruckus: no i didn’t.

remember in “do the right thing”, when the white dude stepped on homies jordans, and he said something to the crowd that gathered around his porch ? then they all were like “oh no he didn’t ?” ? same shit happened here. the whole taco bell viewing audience threw their hands up and a collective “awwwwwwww, hell naw” went over us. niggas laughing, burritos flying up in the air, one dude in the back doing the robot.

miguel: so what you’re telling me is, if i come in here and order 3 breadsticks, I really get 9 ?

uncle ruckus: there are 3 in the box. if you only want 3, you have to order 1.

miguel: what kind of logic is that ?

uncle ruckus: if you ask for 3, i’m going to give you 3 boxes.

miguel: even though the menu says otherwise ? instead of giving me 3 breadsticks, you’re gonna give me 3 boxes ? why ?

uncle ruckus: well next time, if you want 3 breadsticks, you gotta order 1.

miguel: ………………..(giving him the “fuck wrong witchu” face)

uncle ruckus: ………………..(giving me the “I’m blatantly wrong, but swear I’m right” face)

so, this nigga tries to justify to me, that whenever anyone orders 3 breadsticks, in reality, that means 9. what the hell am i gonna do with 9 breadsticks ? i’m gonna wait until there’s another person at the counter with him and order froom them instead. then ask for 1 breadstick and watch the confused looks on their faces, point at him and say that “he told me to do it”. So, not only do they fuck you at the drive-thru, they fuck you inside as well.

White people with good intentions, fucking things up: Episode III

Let me preface this by saying that I have nothing against caucasians. I love white folks, they’re very entertaining. I just like to pop a lot of shit, and what I’m putting down here is the same stuff I say to my white friends on a regular basis. If it doesn’t bother them, it shouldn’t bother you. If it does…I don’t care. Really, I don’t. With that said, I bring to you the third installment in a series of what I like to call “Miguel-isms”.

Chapter 1: Fergie Ruined The Black Eyed Peas
Chapter 2: People Who Would Be Happier If Gwen Stefani Didn’t Exist

Chapter 3: Maury Povich doesn’t care about black people*

I don’t watch this train wreck of a TV show, but I occasionally catch it as I flip through the channels in the morning. What I’ve noticed is, the topics are the same, every fuckin day. Either a chick is having her 9th DNA test, or some dude is failing a lie detector test (“It’s broke Maury, that machine is broke !!!”). And what’s with everybody running off stage when they don’t get the answer they like ? Or the dude jumping up and dancing when we hear the classic words “When it comes to 10 month old Ashinkashay, Rico, you are NOT the father !”
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Shit is old, get a new go-to move. Back in the day when Michael Jordan kept getting knocked on his ass when he went to the rack, he developed the most lethal jumpshot in the game. This is what future Maury guests need to do. Develop a jumpshot. When you find out nigga #8 ain’t yo baby daddy, don’t run backstage and cry, pick up a chair and throw it…kick Maury in the nuts…take the results and rip them up, yelling “This nigga gotta be the daddy, Maury, look at the noooooose, loooooook aaaaat the nooooooooose !!! It’s broke Maury, that machine is broke !!!”. I figure if you’re gonna be ig’nant, at least be original. Ya dig ? But seriously, we need to stop supporting this stuff. If we stop whoring ourselves on TV for a free trip to NYC, then it would all go away. How can you even justify putting yourself in that position to be clowned anyway ? I couldn’t do it. As for Maury, I remember when he used to be a respected journalist, and now he’s one of this country’s leaders when it comes to pushing ig’nance in the hood. I’m suprised 50 & Tony Yayo don’t do the opening theme song. Just say no to Maury.

Coming Soon: Nick Lachey – Bitch Nigga

*Trailer park crackas, my Latin brethren, broke Asians…in the eyes of the media and those in high places, you’s a nigga too. Raise your glasses and drink wit ya boy. Salud.

Random thoughts

I’ll add more as the day goes on…

I’ve just decided that for the rest of the week, whenever I enter a room I’m gonna say “Alright stop what you’re doin, cause I’m about to ruin, the image and the style that you’re used to…” just because it’s funny to me. Most people won’t even get it, but I don’t care. It just makes it that much funnier. It’s all about entertaining myself 🙂

Kwame Brown is the worst player in the NBA. It’s bad enough when a grown ass man can’t catch, but when that grown ass man is a professional athlete, something is wrong.

Al B. Sure & Bobby Brown…discuss amongst yourselves.

Don’t you hate when random songs get stuck in your head ? Yesterday, out of nowhere I just started singing “Party Man” by Prince…for no reason at all. It’s not like I’ve heard it in the past 10 years.

I too, like Jamie Foxx, have a “stragety”. But I ain’t tellin’.

From the mouth of Don King:
“It’s entertainment, baby! You love my black ass! ‘Cause I’m exciting! If you didn’t have Don King, you’d have to invent him.”

“Black people don’t get no credit for nothing. All we’ve got is one word. That word is motherfucker.”

and my personal favorite:
“I had a moment of religious epiphanosity”

If you don’t think this song bangs, then something is wrong with you:
E-40 f/ Keak Da Sneak – Tell Me When To Go

Clicking the “next blog” button led me to the page of a woman who just gave birth to a son the other day, whom she’s named Kanye. Shit got me to thinking…how many other lil Kanye’s are out there ? What about the lil Beyonce’s running around the hood ? And how come people never name their kids after celebrities’ stage names ? I’m waiting for the day I hear “Fifty Cent, get yo rusty black ass back over here !”

I want a monkey. Not just any monkey, I want the Trunkmonkey.

The Vice President shot a muhfucka over the weekend

I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried…this has GOT to be the most entertaining presidential administration ever…EVER. Just when you think they’ve done it all, they go out and top themselves. I’m sure that if I go in to work tomorrow and do something stupid, I could possibly be fired. They tried to get rid of Clinton cause he got a hummer from an intern, but this fool shot somebody…in the face ! You know just like I do, if this had been Tyrone “accidentally” shooting somebody, they would “accidentally” lock his ass up for assault with a deadly weapon, attempted murder or at the least a manslaughter charge. I guarantee in the next day or 2, the Bush P.R. machine is gonna come up with another “Al-Qaeda tried to blow something up but we stopped them” story to take the heat off themselves…like they always do when backed into a corner. Bitches.

Cheney Accidentally Shoots Fellow Hunter in Texas
Sunday, February 12, 2006

WASHINGTON — Late night comedy stars are probably planning a slew of new jokes after news broke Sunday that Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and injured a hunting buddy.

Harry Whittington, 78, was hunting quail with Cheney on Armstrong Ranch in south Texas when Cheney sprayed his friend in the face and chest with the birdshot from a 28-gauge shotgun. Birdshot disperses a spray of small pellets rather than a single larger shotgun round.

According to Armstrong, who is friends with both the Cheneys and the Whittingtons and set up the two for the hunting trip at her property, a group of hunters was traveling in a vehicle on the ranch when it spotted a covey of quail in the late afternoon.

Armstrong, who remained in the car, said Whittington shot a bird and went to look for it in the tall grass, while Cheney and a third hunter walked to another spot and found a second covey.

(And now for my favorite part…)

Whittington “came up from behind the vice president and the other hunter and didn’t signal them or indicate to them or announce himself,” Armstrong told The Associated Press.

Armstrong told FOX News that Cheney, thinking he was the last hunter on the right of the party, turned and fired at a quail. Whittington was standing 30 yards away on lower ground with the sun to his back. He was knocked to the ground, but not knocked out. All members of the hunting party were wearing blaze orange, she said.

“The vice president didn’t see him,” Amstrong told The AP. “The covey flushed and the vice president picked out a bird and was following it and shot. And by God, Harry was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty good.

The shots “broke the skin,” Armstrong said. “It knocked him silly. But he was fine. He was talking. His eyes were open. It didn’t get in his eyes or anything like that.”

The shooting was first reported by the Corpus Christi Caller-Times.

This is how it really went down:

Dick Cheney as Elmer Fudd
Harry Whittington as Daffy Duck
Mr. Armstrong as Bugs Bunny

ELMER: (Tiptoeing through the forest) Shhhhhh! Be vewwy, vewwy quiet . . . I’m hunting wabbits, heh-heh-heh.
ELMER: Oh boy!! Wabbit twacks!!
DAFFY: Oh, Buggsy . . . Buggsy pal! There’s a friend here to see you!!
DAFFY: Thurvival of the fittest! . . . and besides . . . it’s fun!!
BUGS: Did someone knock?
BUGS: (slightly perturbed) Eh . . . what’s up, Doc?
ELMER: Now I got you . . . you wabbit!! Heh-heh-heh . . .
BUGS: (Bites . . . crunch, crunch, crunch) (Mouth full) Say, Doc (chew, chew), are you tryin’ to get yourself in trouble with the law? This ain’t wabbit-huntin’ season . . .
ELMER: It’s not!?!
BUGS: No! It’s duck-huntin’ season!!
DAFFY: That, sir, is an inmitigated frabication!! It’s wabbit season!!

BUGS: Duck Season!
DAFFY: Wabbit season!!
BUGS: Duck season!!
DAFFY: Wabbit season!!
BUGS: Duck season!!
DAFFY: Wabbit season!!
BUGS: Wabbit season!!
DAFFY: Duck season!!
BUGS: Wabbit season!!
DAFFY: I say it’s duck season and I say Fire!! (Elmer fires. Daffy’s bill is blown askew.)

DAFFY: (Looks at Bugs) You’re despicable !