Archive for November, 2005

"Go on and dance, go on and dance wit ya big ass"

Those Destiny’s Child girls just can’t stay on their feet…But at least Beyonce falls with style, unlike Michelle

*$5 to who can tell me where the title of this post comes from

I’ve found my next girlfriend

Random clicking is fun

The “next blog” button in the top right-hand corner can lead you to some interesting places…like this:

I Hate Horses

This shit is hilarious.

"They trying to take everythang ‘cept the kids"

This was the longest weekend ever…I feel like I’m the one who got married. I was running around doing shit for everybody, like I was the designated “go-fer” or some shit. And now I get to do it all again, cause tomorrow is Thanksgving. Guess what ? I’m going on strike. Yep. Boycotting all holiday and family functions until my birthday (July 7 for those of you who want to buy me something nice). I’ve had enough ups and downs to last me until then. Tomorrow is all about watching football, the laker game, and trying not to eat too much.

The title of this blog has nothing to do with anything, other than the fact that it’s my “phrase of the moment”

The dumbest, yet most entertaining song of all time

“Then She Bit Me” – DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince

I was in a club, one friday
A lovely lady comes walking my way
She walked up and she said hello
I said hi, my names Joe
I was lyin’, so was she
She said her name was Donny,
But her shirt said Marie.
She said you get to know me,
you’ll never forget me
I said why, then she bit me.

That didn’t hurt.
Kinda creepy
but she ripped my shirt.
She poisoned me I went to sleep.
Woke up at her house,
At the back of a jeep.
A Blazer, ’89
Tinted windows,
I wish it was mine.
Oh, it is,
But where are my keys?
There they are in the ignition.

I’m at her house.
It’s a Tepee.
No, it’s a cabin
No a skyscraper.
No, its an igloo.
A shack.
Forget it, I’ll go around back.
It’s a castle, with a moat
How do I get Across ?…Boat.

(Shooo)…I hate that sound.

I went inside,
Looked right, looked left.
There she is.
Oh, no thats Jeff.
He’s invisible.
I went downstairs.
It’s a loft.
No, it’s a dungeon!
There she is, doing aerobics.
No, yoga.
No, karate.

(You killed my teacher)
But what a body!

No, he wasn’t there.
I’m tellin you I saw him
No, really I saw him
He was playing checkers.
No, Nintendo
Ok, I’m lying

There she is,
Watching T.V.
All My Children.
No, thats Cosby.
No, Speed Racer.
No, thats Kimba
My fault…the T.V.’s off.

There she is, what a doll.
No, that’s Chucky from Child’s play!
I kissed her,
And she told me this is home…
I had entered a dimension Called The Twilight Zone….
Anything can happen.

I’m rough like sandpaper,
Hard like algebra.
You should be glad that I was nice,
And I allowed ya to
Step on stage.
To kick your ryhmes off.
I tried to be nice,
But you mistook that for softness.
Now it’s over’ to hell with your opinion!
What I say goes from now on,
This is my dominion!
I dare any rapper to step on stage
Cause if you do you’ll feel the force of my rage
I’m on a rampage !!!

Psyche just kiddin
Jeff wanted to do that
But I didn’t
I thought that it would make the record dumb
I guess I wasn’t wrong

Mary had a little lamb
Her fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that mary went so did humpty dumpty
Jack and Jill went up a hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down,
And broke his crown
Hickory, dickory, dock

Got to use the bathroom now,
psyche, I was drafted.

This NEVER gets old

because I have to get ready for my trip, and I don’t have time to come up with something(translation: too lazy), enjoy this classic.

White people with good intentions, fucking things up.

Let me preface this by saying that I have nothing against caucasians. I love white folks, they’re very entertaining. I just like to pop a lot of shit, and what I’m putting down here is the same stuff I say to my white friends on a regular basis. If it doesn’t bother them, it shouldn’t bother you. If it does…I don’t care. Really, I don’t. With that said, I bring to you the first in a series of what I like to call “Miguel-isms”.

Chapter 1: Fergie ruined the Black Eyed Peas

“My Humps” is the worst song I’ve heard in a long time. First of all, how are you gonna have a chick with NO ass, and a chest like mine, singing about her “hump and her lovely lady lumps” ? That’s false advertising.

They could have at least found a chick with a body like Beyonce and put her on the record. It could have been “My Humps” by Black Eyed Peas feat. Keyshia “Butterface” Cole. Now those are some lovely lady lumps. But only a genius such as myself would even think of it. But I digress…What the hell happened to the Black Eyed Peas ? They went from “Joints & Jams” to doing duets with Justin Timberlake* ? Maybe if it came from a different group, I could accept it. But to watch the evolution of Black Eyed Peas over the past few years is just sad. When I think “Wack”, I think BEP. And it all started when the white girl showed up.

They were doing alright when they had the occasional guest vocalist on their songs…Macy Gray, Esthero, Kim Hill, etc. But they had to go for the full-time fourth member. And that threw off the entire balance. Think about it, back in the day when they performed, you would get a show. Every video had like a 30-35 second gap where these fools would be breakin’ like it was ’86 all over again. Now they just stand to the side doing some generic points and poses while Fergie and 4 other chicks who can’t dance try to pull of some sort of choreographed chaos. They’ve gone from being the quintessential hip-hop crew, to cookie-cutter pop stars.

And what’s going on in this pic ? Does she have sweaty puss or did she piss on herself ? Either way, shit’s funny.

Coming soon
Chapter 2: People who would be happier if Gwen Stefani didn’t exist

*Recurring character in this ongoing saga

Miguel’s Greatest Hits…

I’ve decided to go back and find all of the posts that I’ve made, that have either made someone laugh or pissed someone off. Most of the good stuff come from the BP days (before I got banned), and is funny as shit. If you don’t agree, then fuck yo couch.

By far, the best of the best:
The Smurfs
I love it:
Pimp shit
I speak the truth:
Hell express
My Bday:
Fun with models
I was saying this in the very beginning, Kanye just made it popular:
“Racism still aliiiive, they just be concealin’ it”
No comment:
What the hell ?
No head, no bed:
Rules of the crackhouse
Scrawburry sodas:
They fuck you at the drive thru
Because I care:
Community service

Classic material, but some of my best work is still coming.

I’m out this bitch

Well, I’m off to San Diego at the end of the week. I’m heading to my aunt’s wedding and reception. Hopefully everything goes as planned, cause it would suck to have my first event go down like the wedding on “The Brady Bunch”…a dog chasing a cat all over the place, knocking shit over and eating the cake. But nothing like that is gonna go down. I have it all under control, every single detail. If anybody gets out of hand, they get shot.

Knowledge time !

Click here, fool !
Learn some shit today.

This will make you feel dumber for having read it. Chuuuch.

For once I have absolutely nothing to say. And to point out that fact, I leave these words. It’s rare that I have nothing to say, and the only way to illustrate that is to put it into words…but now that I think about it, by telling you that I don’t have anything to say, I actually do have something to say. Wow. It’s like a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. I really do have something to say, and I want to take this time to share it with you. I do not like green eggs and ham. I don’t know why. Maybe it has something to do with Dr. Seuss…he was an asshole. Yeah, I said it. A wop bop a loo lop a lop bam boom, but I digress. What were we talking about again ? Oh yes, the fact that I don’t have anything to say. It’s amazing, actually, that I can get away with blogging about nothing and you will still read it to the end. So, in parting I leave you with this…Oprah is one ugly ass woman.

Public Service Announcement – 11/05/05

Brought to you by the good folks at Planned Parenthood. Click to enlarge:

Free Image Hosting at

Look at the agony and pain that it causes…

Possibly the best shit in the history of tv

I’m flipping through the channels late last night, and I scroll to “Jimmy Kimmel Live”. I see Mike Tyson sitting on the couch looking like a black Eddie Munster, which under normal circumstances would have been enough for me. But my man Jimmy had to go there. He proceeds to bring out Bobby Brown. Who was dressed as James Brown for halloween. I’m thinking “holy shit, I hit the jackpot”. So, as Bob is doing the interview, Mike is trying to speak, but the vampire fangs he’s wearing keep falling out and you can’t understand a word he’s saying. It’s a relatively tame interview, and Bobby and Jimmy are just talking about the B.E.T. 25 special that was coming on the next night, nothing too spectacular happens…then comes the magic. Jimmy says “After the break, Mike Tyson and Bobby Brown are gonna perform Monster Mash”, and this is what happened…

Click here for the best shit ever…EVER