Archive for October, 2005

Boo ! bitches

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Things that sound dirty on Halloween, but aren’t

So… What did you get in the sack?

Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!

Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!

Those small suckers are gone in a few licks.

I got the best piece from that house.

Quit screwing around on the porch!

Stick your hand in and guess what you’re feeling.

It was so filled and heavy, I had to use two hands.

They’ll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.

I bobbed but couldn’t get my mouth around it.

and these….

10. SHE’S A GOBLIN!

9. I’D LIKE TO GET A LITTLE SOMETHIN IN THE SACK TONIGHT.

8. JUST GET ON YOUR HANDS AND KNEES AND BOB YOUR HEAD.

7. SHE’S GOT A COUPLE OF NICE PUMPKINS ON HER PORCH.

6. IF YOU JUST LICK IT, IT WILL LAST LONGER.

5. LET ME SEE YOUR BIG SACK.

4. CAN I EAT YOUR ZAGNUTS?

3. HAVE YOUR MOM CHECK IT BEFORE YOU PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH.

2. YOU SCARED ME STIFF!

1. HE’S GOT CANDY SPREAD OUT ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR!


Bored ? Try These…

THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WHEN BORED

Push your eyes for interesting light show
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things your subconscious is trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV?

See how long you can hold your breath
(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes)
Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible. My personal best is 2:00 (exactly).

Try to not think about polar bears
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.

Scratch yourself
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn’t that feel pretty good?

Repeat the same word over and over until it loses its meaning

(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Pick a random word out of a magazine and say it aloud to yourself until it becomes a meaningless set of noises.

Hurt yourself
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There’s nothing physical about it – it’s all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

Try to swallow your tongue
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
There’s not much to say about this one. It is possible.

Pretend to be a car
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Make appropriate revving noises in your head as you walk along and add a racing commentary as you pass strangers in the street. Use blinking eyes as indicators for extra authenticity.

Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)
Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.

Get yourself as nauseated as possible

(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can’t even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the “makes boredom seem a lot better” effect (see “Hurt Yourself”).


Janet Jackson has a kid…but I’m not the pappy

Damn, first we find out that she was married for over 10 years, now she apparently has a grown ass kid ? This is the chick you want to tell all of your secrets to…eventually we’re gonna find out that she helped O.J. Simpson hide his bloody clothes and the murder weapon.
——————————————————————-

Janet Jackson and James DeBarge, who were briefly married in 1984, had a daughter together, DeBarge’s brother Young DeBarge has claimed on a radio program.

Young DeBarge said the child, named Renee and now 18, has been living with Rebbie Jackson, Janet’s oldest sister. His comments lent support to reports that have circulated for years claiming Janet has a “secret” daughter.

Jackson’s publicist didn’t immediately return a call from The Associated Press on Monday. The singer and James DeBarge were married for less than three months when she was just 18. The marriage was annulled a year later.

“James and the Jackson family kept everything real close, real tight,” Young DeBarge said Friday on New York radio station WQHT, known as Hot 97. “They weren’t very revealing about what the relationship was about.”

“No one really knew how it was working out until things kind of surfaced,” he said.

He added, “There’s no telling what (Janet Jackson) is telling her.”

DeBarge said Renee “is a wonderful singer.”

Jackson, 39, secretly married Rene Elizondo Jr. in 1991. They separated in 1999. She is now dating Jermaine Dupri.

Young DeBarge, 28, said he has recently finished an album.


For Those Of You Who Have Children

Now this shit is hilarious…
Get One For Your Baby

Make sure you click all the links


This Video Kills Me

Video clips of chicks getting their hoohah waxed. There’s no nudity, it’s all close ups of their facial expressions and responses to gettting the short and curlies ripped out. Comedy at it’s finest. And to you ladies who endure these type of things for our benefit, I salute you. Keep it up.

Bushes

LOL @ the only dude in the video.


Guess What Time Of Year It is ?

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Damn right. And the purple and gold are gonna piss a lot of y’all off this year. Don’t hate.


"They Fuck You At The Drive Thru" -Joe Pesci

Why is it when you order stuff at a drive-thru, they always try to sell you shit that you don’t want ? Before you can even finish speaking, they’re trying to give you a pie or something. Then get mad at you when they mess up your order. Example…I’m at Jack In The Box earlier, and the convo went like this:

Me: Gimme a #3 with a…
Broad In The Speakerbox: (Before I can even say the rest of what I want)Do you want the combo ?
Me: (Answer given so they don’t jack off in my shake) “Yes.”(What I was really thinking was “Is the #3 just an order of fries ? Of course, I want the combo, otherwise I would have asked for just a Jumbo Jack, dumbass”)
Broad In The Speakerbox: That’ll be $4.03
Me: I’m not done.
Broad In The Speakerbox: Okay
Me: I want a #6 with a sprite…
Broad In The Speakerbox: Would you like try our cheesecake ?
Me: We can talk about the cheesecake when I finish my order…mmmmkay ? I would like a #3 with a chocolate shake, and a #6 with a sprite, and 2 tacos. No cheesecake. How much is that ?
Broad In The Speakerbox: Uhruh…come to the window. (Obviously, I’ve confused her cause I don’t want any cake)

Now before I go on, keep in mind that there are no cars in front or behind me, we’re the only car. I pull up to the window, and I pay for the edibles. She comes back with my change, and the drinks…a coke and a strawberry soda. She goes to pick up the food from wherever it comes from, and here’s what happens next…

Me: I didn’t order these
Broad At The Window: Yes you did.
Me: Ummmm, no. I asked for a sprite with one combo and a chocolate shake with the other.
Broad At The Window: (As she looks up at the screen)You asked for a coke and a scrawburry. (Yes she said “scrawburry”, in a thick spanish accent).
Me: You’re wrong. Here.

So we make a trade. I give her the messed up drink order, she hands me the food. The whole time, she’s giving me attitude like it’s my fault, and insisting that I asked for a coke and a scrawburry. So, my cousin is going through the bag, and tells me “This isn’t our stuff”. So, now me and Rosa have to go at it again…she hands me the drinks, I hand her the bag and say…

Me: This is the wrong order.

At this point, she’s pissed. Miss Sassy goes…

Broad At The Window: Then what did you order ?
Me: You tell me.
Broad At The Window: A #4 with a scrawburry, a #7 with a sprite, and a chicken ciabatta.
Me: No. You just brought me a coke and a scrawburry, and the bag has a bunch of stuff that I didn’t order. Everything you just read back to me, I didn’t want. It can’t belong to the car behind or in front of me, cause I’m the only car here. The errors are taking place on that side of the window, mmmkay ?

After a couple minutes, Sassy Hernandez comes back and basically throws the bag to me. No “I’m sorry for the mix-up”, nothing. Gives me the bag and closes the window. So, me being the asshole that I am, I notice the security camera and monitor through the window and proceed to give it the finger for 30 seconds while mouthing the words “dumbass idiot”, then drive away. Maybe, just maybe, if they would take the time to listen to what I’m asking for, instead of trying to sell me stuff I don’t want, then there wouldn’t be these problems. I’m sure someone jacked off in my chocolate shake.


10 Things To Do Before I Die

Not necessarily in order, and subject to change:

1. Fall in love with the world’s greatest woman, get married & have 2 cool-ass kids, Michael & Michelle…maybe Ceephus & Reesie. Either or.

2. Run for and win some sort of political office. Nothing major, just local stuff. If George W. Bush can become President, I can at least become City Councilman.

3. Learn to speak a second language fluently.

4. Open a club/bar/restaurant.

5. Drive an Indy or Nascar race car…but I have to be the only one on the track. I don’t have the stones to try it in traffic.

6. Get a book published and/or have a screenplay adapted into a film. Find my “Phat Beach” rant for more info.

7. Have sex with a celebrity. And she doesn’t have to be Janet Jackson famous, either. I’d hit a chick from a reality show. Just to say, “You know so-and-so from ‘Real World’ ? I tapped that ass. Twice.” Living here in Los Angeles gives me a 45% chance.

8. Invent something.

9. Make enough money to buy random animals…like giraffes and shit.

10. Spend significant time in Europe again. Preferably Spain or France.


Time To Pop Shit

Starting Monday, I am going to add one high quality post to this blog per day. I’ve been keeping keeping a lot of ideas to myself, and now they must be released upon the world. Be afraid, be very afraid.